Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
