The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
