It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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