You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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