I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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