she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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