You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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