I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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