dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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