Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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