My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
