I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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