fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You can't just leave with hair like that
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
