Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
