guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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