you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
