I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
