dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
