I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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