Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
