so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
