the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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