When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
