I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
