can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
