Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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