umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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