I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Randomize
