I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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