if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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