I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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