I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
