I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
