This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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