I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
