I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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