Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
