this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
