I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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