Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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