Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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