Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
