i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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