She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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