True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I cut my penus on the lid.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
