Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dignity is for republicans.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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