If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Houston, we have a blender
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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