it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
