The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
