I'm laying in your front yard are you home
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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